I went to a Bastille secret show and here's what I learnt

In the name of journalism, obviously.

You will probably overlook it
It will be announced under the guise of the band’s faux production company “Bad Steel” presenting new talent. The band name “Chaos Planet” will be a riff on the actual band’s upcoming album, “Wild World”. The pieces will probably start falling together when the fake band description starts to read just a little too much like an episode of Twin Peaks.

And it will sell out almost immediately
Even if your friend who works at DICE attempts to give you multiple heads ups by sending you messages on Facebook AND iMessage, the tickets may sell out as you are breaking big stories about a Pokémon Go stampede and a caterpillar called Chicken Nugget.

But there will most likely be tickets at the door
If you are feeling lucky or just so happen to be getting drinks with a friend in the area, then you may actually be able to get in. Bring cash! Flirting back to the guy at the door helps too. This will also ensure your survival later (see below).

You will wait as long as you would a normal concert
Another test of dedication, it’ll be 1.5 hours in the queue to get into the venue and then another 1.5 hour wait once you are inside. Go line up earlier and you may even meet the band when they come out to say hello and hand out free t-shirts. This writer unfortunately did not do so as she was too busy getting drinks with her friend who is, surprisingly, not a Bastille fan.

You will see some familiar faces
These are the people who run the fan accounts, the ones who may compare how many times they have seen the band live and how many times they tweet them on a daily basis. They are probably the ones who uploaded that crappy version of the new song you saw on YouTube. You might even overhear one person casually mention they design the official merchandise for the band because the frontman asked them to get in touch one time after a concert. Then there are also the band’s closest friends – including that one friend who also fronts a band – and if you hang around after the show, it’ll almost feel like you are actually having a drink with them. Kind of. Sort of.

It will be HOT
It’ll almost be like that time you went to see Beyoncé at Wembley Stadium and it was impossible to move and workers had to hand cups of water over the railings. Except worse better. Like drenched-in-sweat, suffocating-in-a-basement, don’t-touch-me hot. Water will also be handed out (the guy you were flirting with earlier will push through the crowd to hand-deliver a bottle to you when the people in front don’t pass any back), but someone will probably faint, or puke (although exactly what went down is still tbd), and you will be asked to leave the room for five minutes to “air it out and to improve the visibility”. At which point, you will notice that the floor is wet, and probably not from the usual mixture of water and beer, but sweat. No kidding.

But it will be super intimate
Quite literally – the band, the music, the crowd, all melding (and melting) together in a tiny basement. This was not a night any photo or video could do justice, and not just because the camera lens on your dying phone fogged up every time you tried to snap a picture. It’s clearly a milestone of sorts for the band, a celebration of, for and with them. It was a night about the music – and every single person present was there for nothing else. It was a small reminder of where they came from and how far they’ve come, four self-proclaimed idiots who – out of genuine love for what they do and as a sign of appreciation – just wanted to share their music with the fans who have stood by them through the last few years. And if you thought the combination of the tiny venue with the bodies of heat beneath the stage meant the frontman would not be doing his obligatory round in the crowd during “Flaws”, then you were wrong. Doubly so, as he’ll join the crowd for another dance at the end. Those who sweat together, stay together.

It will be so worth it
For £20, you will get a proper set, just like the one at any other Bastille concert that lasts just as long, and plenty of new material to go with it, from new singles “Good Grief” and “Fake It” to unreleased tunes “The Currents” and “Two Evils”. There won’t be a slow moment, as you’ll be lost in the music the entire night, dancing one minute, swaying the next. It’s upbeat, it’s poignant, and “Warmth” is fucking beautiful. The band’ll play all the classics too, but without the usual introductions and explanations for the newcomers. Case in point: The frontman will get (crouch) down without warning during the pre-chorus of “Of the Night” and everyone will automatically do the same “but not in a sexy way” – a phrase that didn’t need to be uttered – because They Know.

You will make friends
And bond over your mutual love for music. You won’t have to explain anything to them because they also know. They are also a fan. The connection will be instant. Your new friend will love music as much as you, and for once, you won’t feel like the craziest person in the room for knowing so much about the band and their music because you once read everything available on the internet about the topic because you had to interview them as a stringer for another publication. In the name of journalism, obviously.